I Still Remember

It’s funny how
even the scent of my shampoo
would remind me of you
I still remember how
you would carefully run your fingers
through my curly hair
Then smell it until you have
sniffed every scent left there
It’s funny
and heart breaking –
Funny because
even my hair would remind me of you
Heart breaking because
that’s it… it reminds me of you
but my heart doesn’t want to
remember the traces of you
There are days when
I would still feel warmth while
reminiscing your arm sneaking its way
to wrap around my shoulders
I still remember
how you would
pretend to play with my fingers
and little did I know
you were just looking for
the right time to hold my hand
You were shy, really shy
doing sweet gestures
so I would just pretend
that I didn’t notice
I miss that…
I miss you
But do you know what’s funnier?
I believed them
I believed what they said
That when a guy would cry for you
it means that he’s a keeper
and that he’s also worth keeping
I still remember
you crying every time
I would not reply
to your messages
because you were afraid
that I’m too mad that I would
decide to break up with you
I still remember
I still vividly remember those tears
I still clearly hear your sobs
But your tears didn’t really
attest to any of those
But you know what?
I also remember
how you would
choose to devote your time
to some stupid online games
over me
I also remember
how you would
choose your friends
to hang out with
instead of me
I also remember
how obsessed you are
with some stupid games and dares
I also remember
that you took acting classes
And maybe that’s it
Maybe everything’s just a
stupid dare and you
deceived me with your
great acting skills
I remember
I still remember
how you would just say
“love you” instead of
“I love you”
And maybe I decided to just
ignore it because I did love you
and I didn’t want to believe
that you didn’t love me back
There are days when I would
regret breaking up with you
but I know I did need to
But what’s keeping my feelings inconsistent
is that whenever I would remember
that one time when you whispered
while I was sleeping
or at least pretending to be asleep
I still remember your whisper reeking
with sincerity while saying
“I don’t know why sometimes
this feels real or maybe
I just want it to be real
but I’m just afraid.
I’m scared that these
foreign feelings would
eat me alive…”
But I remember
I still remember
that you added
“I’m sorry but for now this is
just a game for me.”

(July 10, 2015)

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