“You know what? I’m scared,” he whispers as he plays with my hair. I move my head from his arm to his chest, the sound of his heartbeat tickles my ear.
“Of this. Of us. Of me being too happy for having you in my chaotic life. You were the only right in my little world of wrongs. For the first time ever, I felt blessed; I felt the presence of a God if there really is. Because I believe no evil in this world could have created a beautiful soul like yours. And that makes me love you even more.” I look up at him. His eyes meet mine. I am no match to the intensity of his gaze so I look down again. I don’t say anything. Then there was silence. So he continued instead what he was saying.
“But beautiful things are usually followed by bad things. And being the happiest right now makes me anticipate the coming of the worst the soonest. Loving you is scary, Dei.”
I want to say it back. I want to say that I love you as much. But Jay, I’ve learned to unlove you months ago and I can’t love you the same as before. I loved you then and it’s all gone now. Neither you and I can do anything to bring back what was lost. Your world of wrongs didn’t blend well with mine.
If you ask me how much love is left, I’ll say none. And I’m only staying because I still don’t want you gone. You didn’t know how to handle too much pain and I’m afraid you have the capaçity do the unimaginable to yourself. You may not believe it but you still matter to me.
I’ll stay until you learn to love your own life.
I’ll stay until I get assured that once I leave you, you’ll stay alive.
“I’m as scared as you, Jay.” Maybe even more.