To Eli

A few nights ago I had a dream.

I’m walking along the aisle while you’re there waiting at the altar. This is really happening, I thought. I’m emotional, nervous and excited all at the same time. I start to feel something ticklish inside my stomach so I let out a laughter I was holding inside, even when tears are already streaming down my cheeks. This used to be just a dream of the two of us. Later when this is all done, we’ll finally share the same surname. God knows how I’d love to have your surname next to mine. Just a few more steps and I’ll be standing there beside you. But someone pulled me in to the pew. Where are you going? You’re not supposed to walk towards the groom, said the one who grabbed my arm. I want to get mad and yell at that person but her attention’s somewhere else now. I want to ask for help but everyone’s busy waiting for something else. Someone else rather. That’s when I realized I wasn’t wearing a wedding gown. I’m wearing something the same as the bridesmaids. I panicked. I turned my head to look at you, expecting you to come here, grab my arm and pull me there beside you at the altar, only to realize that your gaze isn’t fixed at me but outside. You were probably waiting for the real bride to arrive and walk down the aisle wearing a beautiful wedding gown that I can only dream of. All along, I thought this was our wedding. But it turns out that it’s not. I want to cry and scream and rip my bridesmaid dress and run. But I can’t move. It’s as if I instantly lost all my energy. Anyone, save me, please. Please. The only thing I managed to do is cry and cry and cry— but a silent one. When your bride finally arrived, you gave me quick glance with a smug look on your face. That’s my cue. I tried to gather my strength even if I feel like I have none left. I tried hard to move and run away. Away from that place. Away from you. Away from everyone there. I ran and ran and ran until a blinding light flashed in front of me…

I woke up crying and shaking and my heart badly palpitating. I was so scared. No, I wasn’t that scared of not getting married to you. I was scared of you leaving me for someone else. I was scared of being left.

That’s why before you can even think of leaving me, I left you. I had to. I should be the one to break your heart first before you can even think of breaking mine. That was selfish of me. I know.

Yes, that’s why I left you. I’m that selfish and stupid and unreasonable.

I’m sorry.

But believe me, I did love you, Eli. I did.