Right now my happiness overflows that I feel like it’s already seeping through my skin like sweat. I love this feeling. I love, love, feeling positive emotions. But it’s also scary. Extreme happiness is somewhat unreal to me that when I do feel it, I get anxious in anticipation of the coming of an unpleasant happening. It’s like enjoying a sunny/cloudy day but you know the heavy, dark clouds are just waiting to spread across the sky, then comes the downpour of rain. But right now, I honestly don’t want to think of anything else. I just want to savour this happiness. If it shall rain the next day, let it. It will pass. The important thing is that prior to the rainy days, I’ve truly enjoyed the sunshine instead of worrying over the coming the rain.
“Please, don’t let him see you. Stay behind. Or better, go somewhere else for the meantime.” “Sure. Anything for you, sweetheart. You will not see even a tiny part of my shadow. I promise,” is what I’d always say whenever you’d ask me to stay behind. And by your definition of behind, it means a hundred or thousand steps away from you. Of I course I should; so he’ll never see me, so he’ll never know that I exist, so he’ll never get the idea of what we have (is there even a “we”? An “us”? That I’m not sure of), so he’ll never notice anything suspicious in the way I lovingly stare at you while your eyes are fixed at him as if you are still deeply in love. And like what I always do, I’ll blend in with the crowd and pretend to be a stranger meant to be passed by and forgotten. Someone you never knew about. Someone whose existence doesn’t have anything to do with you. And to ease the pain in my heart a little, I would convince myself that the way you drown in his eyes, the way you whole heartedly laugh at everything he says, the way you bury your head on the crook of his neck and all the lovesick things you do all meant nothing for everything is just a show in this circus. A circus full of lies and deception.