Memories that shall not wither

Hey. It’s been a while again. I’ve been so busy the past weeks that’s why I couldn’t find time to write anything. It’s been tough but I survived it, like I always do. Those weeks of tons of academic requirements to accomplish seemed endless, but they always pass. And now I’m finally back home with my family, my mind taking a break from all the stress and pressure in school. My heart was really happy. I woke up to the nice view of the lake near my house. Then my little sister came to room. She was in a good mood as well. Soon, I found myself being chased by my little sister and my parents to my room to tickle me. It was a morning full of laughter. It was like a scene from a TV commercial; too good to be true for me. I was so happy that I got so scared. I always had this nagging voice at the back of my mind to not feel extreme emotions. Because I knew that once I reached the peak of a moment of happiness, I was bound to feel the exact opposite soon. 

And it did came the same morning–the sad news. I can’t help my tears as I am writing this. I still can’t believe it. I have this relative whose name is Ate Lanie. She was one of the kindest people I’ve met. I was rarely comfortable with other relatives but she’s an exception. She had this warm vibe that lets you easily get comfortable with her. I grew up really familiar and comfortable with her. Now that I’m trying to recall all our interactions since I was young, I realized that I barely remember most of it. But I remember how every time we would see each other, she would ask, how I was. And I always felt that it was genuine. And there’s this one memory with her that left a mark on me. It was back in highschool, Christmas season. her family was somehow struggling financially. But they probably had some extra money that time, that’s why she gave me and my lola a small present. It wasn’t anything much. Just a small display–a small globe that lights up with a fake rose inside. She could’ve just saved it but she instead thought of buying us small presents. She was so generous. And she was always there to take care of people. I remember when I would get sick when I was a kid, she would be there to help my lola take care of me. She’s used to the hospitals because her sons would frequently get sick too when they were kids. And I must say that she’s smart. She has easily familiarized herself with some medical terms because of always going to the hospital. If only she had the chance to study, I think she’ll do well in the sciences. I hope in her next life, she’ll finally experience a comfortable life she deserves. She’s too good and too selfless for this world.

I will never forget her smile and her unique laughter. Until now it pains me and I can’t believe that she has left this world now. I will probably not be used to going to Naga and not having an Ate Lanie to expect to see or to talk to. My tears still won’t stop. Fuck cancer. Especially that fucking lung cancer that took both Ate Lanie and Lolo Pogi. I know I can’t do anything but I can only pray that their souls are now free of any pain. I pray that their souls are now in a good place. I hope they are with God.

Just like the fake rose in that small gift Ate Lanie gave me, her memories will not wither in my heart. I will always remember the good and loving person that she was. 


May you rest in peace, Ate Lanie. I will miss you.


“The Best Moments”

Every Day6 era has officially ended yesterday. It’s already been more than 6 hours since the Encore Concert ended, but until now I can’t stop thinking about it. Being the int’l My Day that I am, I just audio streamed. But I felt like I was there too, that until now, at almost 3 am, I can’t get over it. I’m really thankful for deciding to stan Day6. My irls couldn’t and probably will never understand why I love them so much. But since stanning Day6, I really became happier. I always had something to look forward to, even when things were getting tough for me in school. Day6’s songs always accompanied me in my all-nighters. And the boys always keep me motivated with their words. Cheesy, but they know how to comfort me even when they don’t know me personally. Their music just heals me. Their songs are my blanket of comfort when I feel down. And listening to their songs to start my day automatically puts me in a good mood. They helped me get through  my toxic 3rd year 1st semester–with just their music. I’ve been listening to their songs every single day since July until now, and I still don’t get sick of them. It’s that good.

I’m also really thankful for my fellow My Days. When I was on my lowest last sem, My Days were there for me. There was a time when I asked if anyone was willing to talk to me. I couldn’t talk about my problem to my irls then because I thought I’d feel more comfortable to open up to people who don’t know me personally. But then I was so surprised that a lot of  My Days replied to that tweet and even DM-ed saying they were willing to listen. I was really touched. And since then, I knew that My Day fandom is the best fandoms I’ve ever been part of. My favorite moment with them is every concert time, most of my tl would audio stream and we would live tweet together. It was really fun. 

I wasn’t there with Day6 since the beginning of their journey. But I’m so proud of how far they’ve come and how our fandom just keeps on growing. They’re not yet as big as the popular groups now, but they’re doing well. We’ll get there, slowly but surely. Olympic Hall is just one of their many dreams that they will achieve. The’ll get more recognition and they will achieve more. Because that’s what they deserve. 

Anyway, this is so unorganized again. I still have a lot to say but I’m getting sleepy now and I’m not sure what exactly I’m talking about again lmaooooo. But I just want to say that I love Day6 so much. I’m so proud of them. I can’t wait for more people to discover the goodness of Day6 songs.

Keep Trying

Mom,  I’m so tired these days. I’m tired of school. I just wanna go home and play with with my little sister. I don’t want to think of anything else. It’s past 2 am but here I am, crying as I am writing this. I’m so frustrated. I haven’t even officially started on my thesis but it’s exhausting me already. I just finished trying to look for new thesis topics since the first one would most likely be scratched. I’m trying, mom. But it’s so hard. Things are still not going well even when I’m giving my best. It’s late in the evening so I couldn’t call or message you. I don’t wanna disturb you because I know you’ve been tired from taking care of my sister for the whole day. I don’t wanna add to your stress. I didn’t expect 3rd year will be this tiring. But I’ll try harder, mom. I’ll do my best. This will pass. I will feel better again. And I’ll overcome this as I always do.

3 am

Heyyy. Idk what this post will be about tbh. It’s just probably your typical 3 am thoughts (although it’s actually half past 3 already). I’m just not sure what’s wrong with me these days. I felt happy and motivated in the past weeks but these days, something feels wrong. I’ve been feeling down for no reason. Or is it because I’m being kinda sensitive and overworrying and overthinking a lot of things? I’m not sure too. Even this post is pointless. Irdk. I just want to let things out, I wanna take some weight off my chest although I’m not sure what exactly they are. I’ve been feeling so tired today too even when I didn’t really do much. This reminds me why I feel scared of extreme emotions. I always believed that I shouldn’t feel too happy because it means I would feel the exact opposite after some time. But isn’t that what life is? You have good days; yu have bad days. Everything is just a cycle. You can’t always be happy. You’re not always on top of the world. There are days when you would feel low, but that’s okay. It’s normal to have those sad days. What’s important is that you will find your way back to your spring, when flower would bloom inside you, and the youthfulness inside you would reflect in your mood. Perhaps we all have seasons inside us. Maybe it’s winter inside me. It’s cold and I just wanna wrap myself with some warmth and be alone.

I love spending time with the people I love but at the end of the day, I want to have my time alone. I would always feel guilty for not being able to catch up with friends in GCs. Most of the time I tend to forget because I rarely open facebook and when I use my laptop, I don’t check my phone at all. Even to my high school friends, I almost don’t talk to them anymore just because I’m too lazy to chat and keep conversations going. I stil consider myself awkward with replying too. I guess I can be really self-centeered sometimes. I only do things when it’s convenient and comfortable for me. Is that still considered self-care? That, I’m not sure of. But last sem was too toxic that I don’t want to compromise anything anymore. I don’t want to get too stressed and let things consume me, until I lose myself–my motivation, my passion. I don’t want to go back to that feeling anymore. I’m gaining myself back and I hope I would remain happy, despite the days like this when I feel down. 

It’s funny because this sort of journal entry is as random and as unorganized as it is. I’m not sure what exactly what I wanted to say for this entry. But it made me feel good for being able to put my thoughts and worries into words.  Hope you feel better soon, Shynne.

As always, you got this 🌸


Totoo yata ang nabasa ko na “kung gusto mong magsulat nang magsulat, magbasa ka nang magbasa.”  Nung nakaraang linggo lang ako nagsimulang magbasa ulit ng libro. Biglaan lang, halos di ko na napag-isipan. Basta kinuha ko na lang yung Norwegian Wood ni Haruki Murakami noong nasa bookstore ako. Napag-interesan ko ito dahil paborito siyang libro ng dalawa sa mga miyembro ng paborito kong banda. Hindi siya gaya ng mga nakasanayan kong YA books na binabasa ko noon. Mero maganda siya at madali kong naiimagine ang mga kinukwento niya. Isang araw, namalayan ko na lang na nagsusulat na pala ulit ako. Meron na ulit mga karakter na nag-uusap sa isip ko. Halos isang taon na ata nakalipas simula nung huli akong nagsulat. Wala namang espesyal. Pangkaraniwan lang ang kwento. Pero ito yung kwento na natural lang na may diyalogo ang mga karakter sa isip ko, hindi ko na kailangang pag-isipan nang maigi. Masaya ako. Ang tagal kong hinintay na makapagsulat ulit ng kwento. At ito yata ang unang kwento kong kilala ko ang bawat karakter. Alam ko ang personalidad nila. Dati kasi ay hirap ako sa aspetong ito. Pero ngayon ay masaya talaga ako sa sinisimulan kong kwento kasi simple lamang ito. Sana ay matapos ko ito, tutal ay alam ko na rin ang wakas (na dati’y hindi ko naman pinag-iisipan tuwing may sisimulan akong kwento).  Pakiramdam ko ay bumabalik ang sarili ko noong hayskul–yung masaya lang na nagsusulat ng kwento, di bale na kung pangkaraniwan, ang importante ay may naikukwento. 

Weekends At Unit 704






KIRA is seen sitting alone in a table for three. 2 bottles are already empty while she holds the third one. She’s watching the band performing. JIN, the lead singer, notices her. He keeps his eyes on her, and she stares back. His expression is half amused, and half irritated. She tilts her head, and raises her bottle to him, then sneers.



KIRA quietly enters the room, slightly bending her body, until he reaches her seat. JIN, seated in front of her, turns his body towards her, and puts his notebook (with the notes she missed) on her desk with a smile, then quickly turns back, just in time when the professor glances at their side of the room.


KIRA opens her locker and the first thing she sees is the packed lunch wrapped with towel. She looks to her side and saw Jin walking away in a distance. She knew.


KIRA, rolling a lollipop in her tongue while playing with the stick with her fingers, just stares at the blinking cursor in her laptop waiting for her type. JIN arrives and sits on the chair beside her, his body facing towards Kira. Kira raises an eyebrow at him.



Tapos na ko sa essay na yan. Gusto mo tulungan kita?


It’s a sunny day. KIRA, wearing training clothes, takes a break from running and stops on a bench beside a tree. She sits down, palms on both knees, as she catches her breath. Seconds later, a shadow appears on the ground. She looks up and sees an umbrella over her head. She turns her head to JIN. He grins at her and raises a bottle of water, then hands it to her. She just looks at him with disbelief and a bit of annoyance.


Rain drops on the ground. A foot steps on a water puddle. Then we see KIRA and JIN seated apart. It’s only the two of them and they both just sit in silence as they wait for the bus. Kira’s playing with her feet while Jin just stares at a distance. After a long deafening silence, Kira, still playing with a water puddle with her feet, finally speaks.


…Why do you keep bothering me?


I like you.


Why would you like me? Di mo naman ako kilala. Or do you have another motive? Wanna get inside my pants then boast to your friends or something?


Syempre hin—



Or is this some kind of bet?



No. Can’t I like you just because? Di ko alam, basta tuwing makikita kita parang gusto kita makilala. I like you because I like you… or maybe there’s something in you.


Nah, you just prolly like the idea of me, and not me. People have these expectations, you know? And sometimes they forget and think it’s the real thing. I may not be who you expect me to be.

Kira looks at Jin who’s already staring at her. Pain and confusion is evident in his eyes. But he’s still determined.


Maybe I’m kinda pretty for you, but I’m actually I’m uninteresting. And to be honest, I don’t like as you as well. I think you’re just as uninteresting. And sometimes, you’re honestly getting annoying. Just… leave me alone.



‘To naman, ang sakit mo naman magsalita.


Okay that came off harsh. I’m sorry. I don’t really mean it. But just quit pursuing me for your own good.



Alam mo, lalo kitang nagugustuhan.


Come on. You don’t like me… yet. Get to know me for real first, then say it again. But the next time you say it, say it sincerely. Say it because that’s how you feel.


Only a few people are left inside the bus. But KIRA and JIN are seated on opposite sides. Kira, with a new hairstyle, is seen staring at JIN, but he doesn’t even glance at her direction. He’s just leaning his head against the window while looking outside.


But he didn’t say it again. Right when I’m starting to like him back, he slowly became distant… and cold. The whole time we would spend our time together, I knew his heart isn’t with me anymore.

Jin finally glances at Kira. He gives him a weak smile, as if he was only obligated to do so. Kira smiles back, but she’s hurting inside. He goes back looking out the window while she doesn’t keep his eyes off him.


Jin never really liked me. He only liked the chase.

IN FRONT OF KIRA’S HOUSE. Jin blandly says goodbye before Kira could enter the house. She stays where he left her and just watches him walk away until he gets lost in her sight in the dark alley.


When I’m finally almost ready to give back my heart to him, he started to drift away. He lost interest. Liking me isn’t as challenging and exciting for him anymore.


KIRA slowly takes her steps around while looking and feeling the texture of the clothes, matching her pace with someone. JIN just quietly follows her from behind. Later, he suddenly halts. Kira also stops and turns to him and just stares at him, waiting for him to speak.


Tigilan na natin to. Hindi, ako pala. Titigilan ko na to.

Kira doesn’t do anything. She just peers into his eyes as if searching for something. She sees nothing.


I like someone else now… I’m sorry.


His chase has come to an end.

They just stared in each other’s eyes—his eyes devoid of any emotion while hers is full of longing. They are frozen in their place. Time has stopped for them while everyone else went on with the passing of time.


And my chase… has just started.



 JIN together with his bandmates are putting back their instruments at the back of his van. KIRA approaches them. Jin is now aware of her presence but he ignores her while his bandmates hesitantly walks away to leave the two alone.


Hi, Jin.

Jin shuts the door and finally faces Kira. The way she carries herself exudes with so much confidence, that he feels slightly intimidated but he tries to hide it.



Anong ginagawa mo dito?



I still like you.


Look, sorry kasi bigla na lang akong nawalan ng nararamdaman para sayo. You don’t deserve a guy like me na hindi ka kaya panindigan. Kaya kalimutan mo na lang ako. May gusto na kong iba.


You think I’ll believe that, huh? Back when you were trying to pursue me, you were really persistent. Pero pano ba yan? Persistent din ako. What Kira wants, Kira gets.


Okay. Wala talaga akong gustong iba. Pero wala na talaga akong nararamdaman para sayo, Kira. Siguro tama ka, maybe I just like the idea of you. O baka hindi lang pala talaga ako ready. Siguro napressure lang din talaga ako sa mga kaibigan ko na ligawan ka nung nalaman nilang may gusto ako sayo. Gago ako e. I’m really sorry.


…what if I tell you that I can wait for you? As I said, I’m just as persistent as you.

Jin takes a step closer to Kira, both hands on his pockets.


Remember when we kissed once? Yun na yung cue ko. Hindi na tama to kasi wala pala talaga akong nararamdaman para sayo. O baka meron noon, pero nawala na.

Kira just looks straight into his eyes with a piercing stare as a tear escapes her eye.


Let‘s stop now. Let’s just forget each other.

Jin squeezes Kira’s shoulder for the last time and walks away. He walks over to his bandmates smoking while waiting for him. He doesn’t notice Kira sobbing where he left her. But a moment later she walks back inside the bar. Jin continues to talk to his bandmates as if nothing happened—unbothered. But his bandmate, GIO, witnessed everything. He’s been observing the whole scene from a distance. No one else but him noticed Kira stomping her way to the bar.

After some time, Jin invites everyone to go to the car and go home. Gio refuses, and decides to stay. Jin just shrugs and they all go inside the van. Gio watches the van disappear in his sight before he goes back inside the bar.


GIO looks around as he enters, searching for Kira. He spots her in the bar counter drinking alone. He sits in a table not far from her to watch over her. Her shoulders shake from sobbing, but she still continues to take shots and sometimes drink straight from the bottle.

Gio has seen all of it. So he finally decides to leave his table to sit in the chair beside her. Kira glances at him once then completely ignores him. He does the same. He just stays beside her, pretending to mind his own business but secretly watches over her.


Kira is already drunk, a few men have tried hitting on her but she has intimidated them all away. She then leans her head against the counter table, facing towards Gio’s direction. Gio glances at her, their eyes meet but he avoids her gaze. But she continues staring.



Why is your friend like that? Ang labo. Why did he pursue me when he didn’t even have feelings for me to begin with? I hate him. What was that? A free trial? Parang tanga.

Gio turns toward her again. He rests his chin in his hand, not saying anything as he listens to her.


I hate him because left me hanging right when I’m starting to like him back. I hate him so fucking much.


Kira, still mumbling, tries her best to keep her eyes open but her head is spinning and her vision is getting blurry. When she’s finally too drunk, tired and sleepy, she finally stops talking. It’s his cue to take her home—his home, because he don’t know hers.


KIRA already passed out beside GIO. Meanwhile Gio, gets his phone from his pocket. He texts Jin that Kira’s sleeping at his place but hesitates to send it so he just deletes the message and puts it back in his pocket.


Eyes still closed, KIRA squirms in the bed and pulls the blanket closer so her body is fully wrapped. A moment later, she lies her back again, and softly opens her eyes. She notices the different paint and light in the ceiling. She looks around and realizes she’s not in her own room.

The room is accented with brown and green, with small plants around. The curtains are widely opened so the sunlight is striking directly at her. There are two beds inside the room.  The bed she’s lying at is close to the wall while the other bed is few meters away, with a table in between.

She gets up and puts her palm against her throbbing head. She then notices her sleeves—she’s wearing an oversized brown sweater which is not hers. She pulls the neck hole and sees that she’s still wearing the same clothes she was wearing last night.


Okay. So I’m still wearing my clothes from last night, and the room is strangely neat and organized. Nothing happened last night. Right. Nothing happened last night.

She gets up from bed and straightens the blanket before she leaves the room.

The living room is just right in front of the room. And there she sees the back of a man sitting on the sofa watching TV. She looks over to table near the kitchen. Nothing was prepared for her to eat.

She procceds to sit beside GIO. She plops on the sofa, which surprised him.





Di ka pa ba magp’prepare? Take a shower or something so you can leave now.


I just woke up, and you’re asking me to go already? Tapos wala man lang breakfast or soup or anything.


Nice. Thank you nga pala, Gio, sa pag-uwi sayo nung lasing na lasing ka. Pero sana nagluto na rin ako ng breakfast ‘no? (Sarcastic) Nakakahiya sayo e.


I’m kidding. But where did you sleep last night?


Syempre sa kama ko.


What about the other bed? Kaninong bed yung tinulugan ko? You have a girlfriend?


Wala. Sa kapatid ko yun.

Gio stands up and heads to the kitchen just beside the bedroom. Kira’s eyes just follows him. She adjusts in the sofa to face towards the kitchen area where Gio is making coffee.


Does she still sleep there?


…hindi na.


Can you be my friend?




Whatever. I consider you my friend now.

Kira turns her back at him and grabs the remote to switch the channel as she places her feet on the table. Gio watches her in disbelief. He goes back to the sofa and places the coffee on the table but Kira assumes that he made it for her so he moves it away from her. Kira snorts at him.


Di sayo yan. Di ka pa ba mag-aasikaso?


Let me stay here a little longer. Hmm?



Kung si Jin lang ang habol mo, hindi siya pumupunta dito. At hindi tayo magkaibigan, okay? Pinatulog lang kita dito dahil baka may ibang mag-uwi sayo at may gawin pang masama sayo. Nagmagandang loob lang ako. Pero huling pagkikita natin to.


My head hurts but I remember everything. You stayed with me all throughout the night. But you’re obviously not interested in me and I feel the same. So see? We can be friends.


Di na kailangan. Siguradong ang daming mo nang mga kaibigan. Di mo na ko kailangan idagdag.

Kira ignores him. Instead, she looks around to pay more attention to the interior. The place is just enough for two. It’s kinda small but so homey because of the wood decorations and small plants. There’s also a small balcony that is left opened so wind can pass through inside. She leans her head and closes her eyes, smiling from ear to ear–looking peaceful.

She opens her eyes again and turns to Gio.



Can I come here again next weekend? I like your place.


(Sighs deeply)

Alam mo, kung ayaw mo mag-asikaso, sige na umuwi ka na.

Gio gets up and lightly pushes her until they reach out the door. Kira slaps his hands and frowns at him, which eventually turns into a huge grin. Gio raises his brow, wondering.


Next weekend. 7pm. Wait for me here. Okay?

Kira pats Gio’s shoulders and turns his back to him. She raises an arm and waves her hand while walking away.


Seeeeee you!





(Kemeng title lang ang “Weekends at Unit 704. Wala pa talaga akong title.)


I always knew this about myself but it was only a few days ago that I realized and put it into words: ambitous. I just have a lot of goals and dreams in life, and for some reason, despite everything, I believe in myself. I believe that after all these failures and slow pace in catching up with everyone else, I’ll get there. I trust myself a lot and I don’t even know where it’s coming from.

We went to Star City after our requirement to watch in Ballet Manila. We tried this thing called Star Frisbee. It turns and sways as it goes higher, and when you reach the top, you’d be turned upside down. But at the peak of the thrilling ride, I just heard myself screaming “magiging successful ako! (I will be successful!)”. And that’s when I fully realized that it’s my top desire in life. I want to be successful. Of course it’s still a long way to go and I still have to experience a lot. But I’m really happy and proud of myself for being more patient these days. I’m slowly starting to enjoy the process. And where else will I learn this? Of course it’s from Day6’s Jae. That dude is such a meme on Twitter but he’s really inspirational when he speaks sincerely.

But going back, I realized a new interest lately: advertising. I’m not sure when exactly it started but I just realized that I’m so passionate and interested when it comes to advertising. It’s the field that I really want to take for my internship. Perhaps for now that’s the goal I have in mind. But my dream is still to be a screenwriter or maybe a movie director. I’m scared though. My passion, interest, and skills match advertising but my personality. Work’s supposed to be 24/7 because you have to be ready anytime of the day. But the whole world knows I hate checking messages; I hate chatting; I hate online conversations. Once I’m home, I want all time for myself. Human interaction is done, I’ve done my part. But then again, the world won’t adjust for me. No more considerations. That is just one of the many things I have to prepare for if I wanted to work in an advertising agency. 

We also have an upcoming project in our Adver class which is making Ad Campaign. I’m really excited to work on it. My groupmates aren’t exactly close with each other but I hope it will be easy to work and collaborate with everyone.

Slowly But Surely

It’s almost 3am and here I am, crying over Day6. Sometimes my love for this band gets a little overwhelming; I couldn’t help but be emotional. I’m tired of shows being so careless with Day6 just because they ain’t big yet. They never get their name right when it’s just as simple as “Day6”, they disrespect them by not giving the stage they deserve where they could shine in MAMA, they “mistakenly” used a photo of another band when it’s just so easy to search for Day6 photos, and the list goes on. Day6 is such an amazing band. They succesfully finished their EveryDay6 project where they released new songs, an MV, and even hold concerts every month—a total of 25 songs and 25 concerts. All that and somehow they are still not as recognized as they deserve to be. They deserve more. They deserve everything. I’m honestly getting impatient. I just want more people to discover and listen to their songs. But I believe in time, they’ll get big. They’ll get there. They’ll achieve their dreams and more. And as Pau (one of my mutuals said), 

“Success is sweeter when it’s not earned overnight. Like scaling a treacherous mountain, each painstaking little step is significant towards getting to the top.”

But for now, I’m still very proud of how far they’ve come. The fandom grew and I’m sure the boys know how loved they are. We are lucky to have each other. Cheesy, but Day6 and My Days are my home. When things get tough or when I wanted escape real life, they are the ones there to comfort me and cheer up. When I lose motivation, they are the ones who help me get back up and keep pushing forward.

I love them with my whole heart.

Better Better

Hey. I can’t believe I’m writing again. I might as well keep up this sort of journal entries. Anyway, in case you’re wondering what’s with the weird title, Better Better is actually the title of a Day6 song from the Moonrise album. It’s my current favorite song and one of the songs I love listening to in the morning while preparing to go to school. It just automatically puts me in a good mood. Sometimes it even motivates me to do anything. It has just THAT impact on me. And it’s so weird because I’ve been feeling too motivated lately; I wanted to do so many things and I get frustrated that I couldn’t do them all at once. I want to catch up on Day6 all day, I want to write a fanfic, I want to write a blog, I want to start reading a novel again, but I also want to focus on finishing my resume and CV for internship applications. But it makes me happy. I feel… passionate again. It’s been months since I was on the mood to do all these for myself and for the reason that I was happy doing them. For the past months, I feel like I was only doing things for the sake of it or because it’s a requirement. Maybe it’s also the reason I lost interest in these things. I hate the feeling of being forced or told to do things. I want to move on my own will, at my own pace. But the real world doesn’t really work that way. You’re not that special for everyone to adjust for you. You have to adapt to the world around you. You have to meet people in the middle. Not everything has to go your way. I guess this is also what I need to remember because I keep forgetting it. This is one of the things I hate about me, though. I don’t say anything but this voice at the back of my mind always wants things to go according to her plans or what she wants. Okay–I actually don’t know why I’m suddenly saying this. I’m just writing whatever. I just want to let out all my thoughts in hopes of lessening overthinking, unlike the usual. I always feel like my subtle awkwardness is annoying. I’m annoying. I’m really trying to be nice and all, but I still end up doing and saying things that I regret and overthink every day. Not even exaggerating. Although I think I’m improving. It’s not as bad as it is back in high school. I feel good these days.

I’m also happy that I’m not stressing much about the internships anymore. I now have plans on the companies I want to apply for and I have also started on my resume and CV already. I’m actually feeling a little excited now (which I hope I won’t regret later on). I’m looking forward to the learning experience. School’s still pretty chill. It seems like it hasn’t officially started yet. Some professors are still not attending class and we don’t have much homeworks yet. But I hope once the shit tons of acad stuff to accomplish start, I will remain this positive. I’m genuinely feeling happy and motivated. I hope I’ll continue to be like this, even when the actual school works start.

You got this, Shynne 🌸

To A New Start

So uhhh… hi? It’s been almost a year since I actually wrote something. I really love the last story I wrote but I don’t know what happened after that. It felt like I poured everything in that story that I was left empty to start on something new. I just somehow lost interest after or maybe I just got a little busy while I prioritized something else too. My heart’s always been into ficition writing (since I’m not really good with creative writing) especially when I get too passionate at times, and I feel like I’m not really skilled with writing in general, unlike what most people assume from me. Fiction writing is the only thing I consider myself a little good at. So I decided to test or rather hone my skills in writing by applying to be a scriptwriter for TV shows in our school. At first I was ecstatic that I got in. I was really excited to work and I enjoyed what I was doing then. But then I was given two live TV shows to write, but I stuggled a lot with my 2nd show. That’s when I felt like things started going downhill. I began questioning my skills again. Can I really do this? Do I really have enough skills for this? Maybe this isn’t for me. I slowly lost the burning passion I have when I first started. It was slowly burning out. I wanted to quit. I felt so unmotivated. I didn’t want to do anything. My grades were starting to drop too, so I wanted to focus on studies and I didn’t want to think of work. I just wanna leave it all behind and ignore everything. Sometimes I look at my hardworking block mates (those who a lot of work at hand and are always busy with org work) and wonder how they do it, how they manage to do all kinds of work and still seem passionate. Meanwhile, I only have to write for 2 shows and it already felt too overwhelming that I had to resign from my other show. I really envy them. 

But this year, I want to try it again–I want to try harder. I want to make better scripts for my show, learn more in graphic designing, and not lose passion for digital drawing again. I want to develop my own style more. Although I honestly admit that this new drive is partly because of internship. I feel like I really need to work this time in getting more work experiences. But more than the experiences to put on my resume, it is the process of enhancing my skills along the way.

“For the development of yourself, it’s not the results that matters. It’s the process.” – Jae (Day6)

This quote is from a member of my favorite South Korean band, Day6. It’s what I want to keep in mind for the whole year. Funny to mention this here but I’m actually a Taurean. And as a Taurean, it’s hard to get out of my comfort zone, and change scares us. But this time, I want to get out. I want to grow. I’m afraid but I want to try again. 

I feel like along the way of losing interest in the things I used to be passionate about, I disappointed a lot of people. I rejected work offers and slacked off. I avoided them as much as possible. I didn’t like having a hard time or getting pressured. But in a few years, I’ll be going out to the real world. And you don’t really get to choose what you want to do in work. So now I want to regain people’s trust. I want to trust myself again, too. There’s a lot more skilled people out there, but I shall do my thing at my own pace.

We’ll get there, Shynne. You got this. 🌻