Lately, there’s a fire building up inside me. It felt unfamiliar at first but I realized it’s been there all along; I just refused to recognize.
Write without inhibitions. Just write no matter how bad or cliche or cheesy it gets. Just write. Let the pen serve its purpose. Let the keyboard feel your fingertips. Open the jar. Unlock the cage. Let the water flow. Let the birds escape. Let your ideas be free. Never suppress again whatever you want to write. Forget everything else but the stories that deserve to be told. Even those you think are not.
Right now my happiness overflows that I feel like it’s already seeping through my skin like sweat. I love this feeling. I love, love, feeling positive emotions. But it’s also scary. Extreme happiness is somewhat unreal to me that when I do feel it, I get anxious in anticipation of the coming of an unpleasant happening. It’s like enjoying a sunny/cloudy day but you know the heavy, dark clouds are just waiting to spread across the sky, then comes the downpour of rain. But right now, I honestly don’t want to think of anything else. I just want to savour this happiness. If it shall rain the next day, let it. It will pass. The important thing is that prior to the rainy days, I’ve truly enjoyed the sunshine instead of worrying over the coming the rain.
Ilang araw na lang babalik na ko sa Pinas. Sa totoo lang ayaw ko pa. O baka ayaw ko na. Di ko na rin alam.
July 8, 2016, 2:20 am
Sinulat ko ito ilang araw siguro bago ako umalis ng Qatar para bumalik na ng Pilipinas. Paulit-ulit kong binabalikan ito sa drafts ko. At sa tuwing babasahin ko ito ay napapaisip ako, masaya nga ba talaga akong bumalik ako dito? Isa o dalawang linggo bago ako bumalik ng Pilipinas ay inengganyo ako ni Mommy na doon na lang mag-aral. Sabi ko nga sa kanya na parang imposible naman iyon. Pero sabi niya pwede naman daw. Magagawan naman daw ng paraan. Sa totoo lang, gusto ko. Gustong-gusto ko. Pero natatakot ako. Ewan ko ba, parang hindi pa ako handang makilasalamuha sa iba’t-ibang lahi at tumira sa ibang bansa na higit na iba sa kinalakihan ko. At ang nasa isip ko kasi noon ay hindi ko kayang iwanan ang lola ko pati na ang mga kaibigan ko. Naisip ko rin agad kung saan ako magtatrabaho pagkatapos ko mag-aral ng kolehiyo kung sakaling doon na ako titira. Kailan man ay hindi ko pinangarap na magtrabaho sa ibang bansa. Noon palang ay buo na ang plano kong dito lang ako sa Pilipinas magtatrabaho. At kung papalarin ay sana sa isa sa mga pinakamalalaking istasyon ng telebisyon sa Pilipinas. Akala ko tama na ang desisyon ko.
Ngunit ngayon ay tila ba may pag-aalinlangan ako. Binalikan ko na naman muli ang draft kong ito. At muli, naramdam ko na naman iyon. Ang kaunting pagsisisi. Ang matinding kagustuhan na makasama si Mommy, si Dad at ang baby sister kong si Sophia. Sa isang buwan kasi na nandun ako sa Qatar kasama sila, nakaramdam ako ng tunay na kasiyahan. Iyon bang ramdam mo talaga sa puso mo na magaan ito, na walang pabugso-pabugsong kalungkutan. Noon kasing bata ako ay pangarap kong maranasan ang magkaron ng isang nuclear family. At sa unang pagkakaton ay doon ko naramdaman iyon. Napakasarap pala sa pakiramdam. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam na kahit gigising kang walang dadatnan na mga mga magulang sapagka’t nasa trabaho sila ay mayron kang inaabangan sa hapon—ang kanilang pag-uwi. Gayunpaman, masaya pa rin ako dahil si Sophia ang sumasalubong sakin tuwing umaga. Pagka-kita niya pa lang sakin ay tuwang-tuwa na siya at agad na gagapang papunta sakin. Makikipaglaro lang ako sa kapatid ko hanggang sa magtanghali at dumating si Mommy. Mas nauuna si Mommy umuwi kaysa dad kaya naman madalas ay sa may mini playground sa likod ng living room muna kami nina Mommy at Sophia habang naghihintay sa kanya.
Nakaka-aliw nga sa tuwing dadating na siya ay tuwang-tuwa si Sophia, at agad na mangungulit naman si Dad kay Mommy. Masarap sa puso makita silang nagkukulitan at naghaharutan na para bang mga teenager. Kitang-kita ko na tunay silang masaya. Kita ko na mahal na mahal talaga nila ang isa’t isa.
Sa gabi naman—ito ang isa sa mga pinakanamimiss ko—sabay-sabay kaming kakain ng dinner nina Mommy at Dad. Salitan sa pagluluto silang dalawa at parehong masarap ang mga niluluto nila. At kapag matutulog na ay maggu-goodnight na ako kina Mommy at Dad na mayroon pang yakap mula sa kanila. Mapayapa ang tulog ko doon. Wala akong pino-problema o inaalalang kalungkutan. Punong-puno ng kasiyahan ang puso ko. Sa tuwing biyernes naman at sabado ay ang tinatawag nilang “family day”. Parehong day-off iyon nina Mommy at Dad. Paminsan-minsan ay naggu-grocery kami sa Carrefour, pero madalas ay nasa bahay lang kami. Sa hapon ay MTV ang nasa TV. May kanya-kanya kaming ginagawa; ako ay nagla-laptop lang, si Dad ay nanonood ng football, si Mommy ay pinapakain na si Sophia. Simple lang. Pero at peace ang pakiramdam ko. Ang saya ng ganoong buhay. Sa buhong buhay ko, sa isang buwan na namalagi ako doon, ay unang beses naramdaman ang pagiging totoong masaya. Palatawa kasi ako. Masiyahin. Pero sa loob ko, hindi buo ang kasiyahan ko. Doon ko lang naramdaman.
O baka naman ngayon lang itong kalungkutan na nararamdam ko ngayon. Apat na araw kasi kaming walang pasok at mag-isa lang ako dito sa dorm. Baka nababagot lang ako dahil wala akong makausap. Ginusto ko naman ang mapag-isa. Ngunit minsan ay hindi ko maiwasan ang maghanap ng kasama o kaya’y makakausap. Lilipas din ito. Sana nga.
I took a nap for about maybe two hours. I woke up, still vividly remembering a quite unusual dream. Well, it’s not really that unusual but it seems that that certain dream is trying to tell me a message. If I remember everything right, it goes something like this: I was carrying a big red bag which I would lose somewhere after a while. Still not noticing what I lost, I went straight to the airport (and since it was in the context of my dream, the place looks a little strange). It was when I got there that I realized that the bag was missing. I was starting to panic. Then I heard an announcement from the speakers saying that it’s already boarding time. I was torn whether I would just forget about the thing I lost or go looking for it. I chose the latter even though I knew that I would miss the flight. I found the bag back but when I returned to the airport, the plane is already going up the sky. I missed the flight. End of dream.
I know I shouldn’t be overthinking again but I can’t help it. Was that dream trying to tell me something? I think it’s about setting my priorities. Currently I am torn between two things and it’s seems that I should only choose one. It’s actually about the two organizations I am interested in. The first one is TOMCAT and the other is Thomasian Writer’s Guild. I’m not really expecting that I’ll pass the TOMCAT interview but still, I wouldn’t ignore the possibility of passing. The thing is, the deadline for submission of requirements for TWG is on October. 1, Saturday and the last day of interviews for TOMCAT is today, October 29, Thursday. I don’t know when the results for TOMCAT will be posted. I’m hoping to know the results early. If I pass TOMCAT, I will not push through my application in TWG. But if I don’t make the cut then I’ll do otherwise (even though I’m also unsure if I’ll pass the latter). Now I’m undecided whether I should continue the story I’m planning to submit for TWG or not. But my dream seems to tell me that if I keep focusing on TOMCAT, I might miss my chance in TWG. Not that I’m confident that I’ll surely pass one of them. It’s just that I don’t want to miss the chance. I wanted to take the risk. I don’t want to regret anything.
As Maine Mendoza said,
“In the end, you’ll regret the things you didn’t do
more than the things that you did.”
“Never give up no matter how hard, no matter how long, no matter how painful it is
as long as you get there.”
– Dad, 2016
Here you are again, thinking over some petty things and then getting sad about it. Get out of your personal twitter account. It’s toxic. You know you’re weak in handling negativity. You are not the sun; the world doesn’t revolve around you. Not every one really cares about your existence. Stop thinking that everyone hates you. Stop thinking that every single negative post/tweet is about you! You are worth more than what you think. You are important, especially to those few people who truly care about you. You don’t need to over-think every single thing or over-analyze every single move. What good does that bring you? It doesn’t even give you satisfaction after thinking over it for hours and hours. You’re just making your life seem miserable when it’s not as bad as what you make it seem. It’s all in your head, honey. Fight those demons inside you. Don’t let them ruin what was supposed to be a great day. Don’t get affected with everything. Mind your own little bubble. Listen to your favorite music, read those fan fictions you’ve been wanting to read, practice digital drawing, write down your feelings, create stories. Focus on the things that will keep your head off all those negativity. You deserve to relax. Enjoy your time. Own it. Be productive instead of indulging in all those nonesense. Getting sad about those things that you shouldn’t even think about in the first place is a huge waste of time. If some (or a lot) of people really hate you, let them. Keep in mind that it’s inevitable; it’s normal. They are irrelevant in your life. As long as you have a few who accept your flaws and understand your shortcomings then you’re okay. And remember, you have you. What’s important is that at the end of the day, you still love yourself. Don’t you ever let people think that you deserve to hate yourself too.
I love you, Shynne.
Deep in your heart you know you do love yourself. But maybe you don’t love yourself enough. Do you trust you? I bet you wanted to say yes but you’re hesitant. You’re not sure, are you? Of all people, you should be the first person to trust yourself because if others don’t, at least you have someone. And that is you. What if you can actually do the things you think you can’t? What if you’re actually good at the things you’re afraid to do? Why are stopping yourself from exploring? Why are you stopping yourself from learning? So what if in the process you prove yourself that you really can’t? You learned. You gained experience. And that’s okay. It’s actually a good thing because you recognized a weakness. I promise it wouldn’t be a loss on your part. Just please set yourself free from your own box of standards that are too high. You put yourself inside a cage where its keys are just in your hands. It’s too cliche, but yes, step out of your comfort zone. Stop being the first person to doubt you and your own capabilities. Stop doubting and start doing. Take risks and accept challenges. Enjoy your youth. Try the things you think you can’t or make yourself believe that you can’t but really wanted to do so. Don’t prevent yourself from discovering your true strengths and weaknesses. Be there for you when others are not.
I trust you. I know you can.
Always remind yourself that.
I love you, Shynne.
Mayroon pa ring natitirang mga luha.
Hindi pa rin nasasanay sa mga paulit-ulit na pamamaalam.
Marupok pa rin ang damdamin.
The hardest part is when in class, no one picks you as the first choice to be their partner, when you’re always the one who struggles to look for a partner, and when you’re always the last one to get a partner. It has always been like this since high school.