Why do I still fail at the things I love doing and pour my heart into? I know I give my all, but why is it still not enough? Am I that mediocre? Will I ever be good enough? It’s tiring when at the times I believe in myself, I end up failing. I feel so worthless again. Please bring me back to January when I was still full of motivation and faith in myself.
Heyyy. Idk what this post will be about tbh. It’s just probably your typical 3 am thoughts (although it’s actually half past 3 already). I’m just not sure what’s wrong with me these days. I felt happy and motivated in the past weeks but these days, something feels wrong. I’ve been feeling down for no reason. Or is it because I’m being kinda sensitive and overworrying and overthinking a lot of things? I’m not sure too. Even this post is pointless. Irdk. I just want to let things out, I wanna take some weight off my chest although I’m not sure what exactly they are. I’ve been feeling so tired today too even when I didn’t really do much. This reminds me why I feel scared of extreme emotions. I always believed that I shouldn’t feel too happy because it means I would feel the exact opposite after some time. But isn’t that what life is? You have good days; yu have bad days. Everything is just a cycle. You can’t always be happy. You’re not always on top of the world. There are days when you would feel low, but that’s okay. It’s normal to have those sad days. What’s important is that you will find your way back to your spring, when flower would bloom inside you, and the youthfulness inside you would reflect in your mood. Perhaps we all have seasons inside us. Maybe it’s winter inside me. It’s cold and I just wanna wrap myself with some warmth and be alone.
I love spending time with the people I love but at the end of the day, I want to have my time alone. I would always feel guilty for not being able to catch up with friends in GCs. Most of the time I tend to forget because I rarely open facebook and when I use my laptop, I don’t check my phone at all. Even to my high school friends, I almost don’t talk to them anymore just because I’m too lazy to chat and keep conversations going. I stil consider myself awkward with replying too. I guess I can be really self-centeered sometimes. I only do things when it’s convenient and comfortable for me. Is that still considered self-care? That, I’m not sure of. But last sem was too toxic that I don’t want to compromise anything anymore. I don’t want to get too stressed and let things consume me, until I lose myself–my motivation, my passion. I don’t want to go back to that feeling anymore. I’m gaining myself back and I hope I would remain happy, despite the days like this when I feel down.
It’s funny because this sort of journal entry is as random and as unorganized as it is. I’m not sure what exactly what I wanted to say for this entry. But it made me feel good for being able to put my thoughts and worries into words. Hope you feel better soon, Shynne.
As always, you got this 🌸
Your coffee may have turned salty, that page may have turned crisp, all because of all the tears you’ve shed—the heart you’ve poured—but always remember that you have come this far not only to come this far.
– Lara Murallos