” For the man who told me to do anything that will make me create something beautiful out of a terrible pain from a heartbreak. I don’t exactly remember who you are but this is for you. You are the muse of this book. “
This is the dedication written on Jaz’s first self-published book. There are only few copies of the book so Matt made it sure that he’s among the first set of buyers. But he didn’t show up. He remained outside the coffee shop where Jaz is set to distribute her book to the buyers. His sister claimed the book for him instead. Just like what he usually does, he contented himself in looking at her from afar because he’s not ready to show himself to her yet.
“Kuya, you’re stupid. Why do keep waiting and hiding when you can just go to her, remind her of the things that she’s forgotten, and tell her directly that you’ve been loving her for almost eight years now?”
“I want her to remember me. I want her to remember first that she was the one who asked me to wait and all. I won’t chase for her because I’m waiting. Chasing and waiting are two different things. And I’m on the latter. I want her to realize that first.”
“If I were you, kuya, I’d rather chase than wait. I’d rather chase her now than wait for her all my life.”
He didn’t listen. He just let her sister’s advise pass through his right ear to the left. He’ll keep waiting. Even if waiting means waiting for another book to be written, and another, and another. They agreed to meet again after she has written something that she’ll call a masterpiece. And this is just her first book. It’s not a masterpiece yet. Maybe. Matt’s not really sure. Whenever he attempts to read the book, he’d always get stuck in the dedication page. This is for you. You are the muse of this book. This is for you. You are the muse of this book . He’d be as amused as the first time he read that. He’d just stupidly stare at that one page until he’d realize that once again he wasn’t able to go on to the next page. It’s been five months and a week since that night they met and had an agreement about meeting again. Matt thinks that she has completely forgotten everything that night but reading that dedication never fail to keep alive the little hope he has.
There are times he’d think of ending this waiting thing and just go present himself to Jaz and remind her of that night and tell her that he’s the guy she’s referring to in her dedication just like what his sister have been telling him. But he’d always end up listening to the stupid part of him that thinks that he can wait forever until she finally finds for him. It amuses him that she was able to remember everything he said except him. All except him. And the kiss. And the promise. Little did he know that she actually remembers him. But not completely. She remembers that night, the man, the kiss, and the promise. But the man’s face remains blurry when she tries to remember him. She has the feeling that it’s someone she knows. Maybe it’s Matt, she guesses but she’s not sure and for some reason, she thinks that it’s impossible. Maybe it’s just someone who looks like him. It can’t be him. It can’t be. She wanted to ask him but she’s shy. She can’t accept the fact the she kissed him. She kissed the first guy she ever liked. She liked him before she met Simon. She didn’t tell anyone about it until her feelings died, until she met Simon. But what if it is really him? She actually waited for him, too. Every time she had a meet up with the buyers of the book, she always hoped that he was one of them. All books got distributed but he didn’t show up. No one did. No one presented himself to her as the guy that she has been looking and waiting for.
They are both waiting for the other to do the first move. Both waiting for something so unsure. Both waiting for nothing. Matt’s waiting for himself to finally man up, for her to remember, and for things to fall into place while Jaz is waiting for a confirmation that the guy is Matt. She doesn’t admit it to herself but she’s wishing that it’s really him.
Matt wrote her a new song in hopes that it’ll reach her and make her realize that it’s him and that he’s still waiting and that he’s still clinging to their little promise they made that night. And it did reach her. The song randomly played on her car radio one day. She immediately fell in love with the song the first time she heard it. But things didn’t go as expected. She looked for the singer instead of the song writer. She found her way to this guy named Nico instead of Matt who has been waiting for her for so long.
He feels like he’s being punched, stabbed and shot all the same time whenever she’s with Nico. Nico whom he asked to sing his song. Nico who has been his wingman since highschool.
And maybe, William Faulkner was right when he said:
“Perhaps they were right in putting love into books.
Perhaps it could not live anywhere else.”
He finished reading her book. He was surprised to read a story she made up about them. In the book, they found their way back to each other. In the book, they were both in love. In the book, things were not as ugly as the reality.
In the book, they didn’t need the long-ass waiting.