Memories that shall not wither

Hey. It’s been a while again. I’ve been so busy the past weeks that’s why I couldn’t find time to write anything. It’s been tough but I survived it, like I always do. Those weeks of tons of academic requirements to accomplish seemed endless, but they always pass. And now I’m finally back home with my family, my mind taking a break from all the stress and pressure in school. My heart was really happy. I woke up to the nice view of the lake near my house. Then my little sister came to room. She was in a good mood as well. Soon, I found myself being chased by my little sister and my parents to my room to tickle me. It was a morning full of laughter. It was like a scene from a TV commercial; too good to be true for me. I was so happy that I got so scared. I always had this nagging voice at the back of my mind to not feel extreme emotions. Because I knew that once I reached the peak of a moment of happiness, I was bound to feel the exact opposite soon. 

And it did came the same morning–the sad news. I can’t help my tears as I am writing this. I still can’t believe it. I have this relative whose name is Ate Lanie. She was one of the kindest people I’ve met. I was rarely comfortable with other relatives but she’s an exception. She had this warm vibe that lets you easily get comfortable with her. I grew up really familiar and comfortable with her. Now that I’m trying to recall all our interactions since I was young, I realized that I barely remember most of it. But I remember how every time we would see each other, she would ask, how I was. And I always felt that it was genuine. And there’s this one memory with her that left a mark on me. It was back in highschool, Christmas season. her family was somehow struggling financially. But they probably had some extra money that time, that’s why she gave me and my lola a small present. It wasn’t anything much. Just a small display–a small globe that lights up with a fake rose inside. She could’ve just saved it but she instead thought of buying us small presents. She was so generous. And she was always there to take care of people. I remember when I would get sick when I was a kid, she would be there to help my lola take care of me. She’s used to the hospitals because her sons would frequently get sick too when they were kids. And I must say that she’s smart. She has easily familiarized herself with some medical terms because of always going to the hospital. If only she had the chance to study, I think she’ll do well in the sciences. I hope in her next life, she’ll finally experience a comfortable life she deserves. She’s too good and too selfless for this world.

I will never forget her smile and her unique laughter. Until now it pains me and I can’t believe that she has left this world now. I will probably not be used to going to Naga and not having an Ate Lanie to expect to see or to talk to. My tears still won’t stop. Fuck cancer. Especially that fucking lung cancer that took both Ate Lanie and Lolo Pogi. I know I can’t do anything but I can only pray that their souls are now free of any pain. I pray that their souls are now in a good place. I hope they are with God.

Just like the fake rose in that small gift Ate Lanie gave me, her memories will not wither in my heart. I will always remember the good and loving person that she was. 

 

May you rest in peace, Ate Lanie. I will miss you.

“The Best Moments”

Every Day6 era has officially ended yesterday. It’s already been more than 6 hours since the Encore Concert ended, but until now I can’t stop thinking about it. Being the int’l My Day that I am, I just audio streamed. But I felt like I was there too, that until now, at almost 3 am, I can’t get over it. I’m really thankful for deciding to stan Day6. My irls couldn’t and probably will never understand why I love them so much. But since stanning Day6, I really became happier. I always had something to look forward to, even when things were getting tough for me in school. Day6’s songs always accompanied me in my all-nighters. And the boys always keep me motivated with their words. Cheesy, but they know how to comfort me even when they don’t know me personally. Their music just heals me. Their songs are my blanket of comfort when I feel down. And listening to their songs to start my day automatically puts me in a good mood. They helped me get through  my toxic 3rd year 1st semester–with just their music. I’ve been listening to their songs every single day since July until now, and I still don’t get sick of them. It’s that good.

I’m also really thankful for my fellow My Days. When I was on my lowest last sem, My Days were there for me. There was a time when I asked if anyone was willing to talk to me. I couldn’t talk about my problem to my irls then because I thought I’d feel more comfortable to open up to people who don’t know me personally. But then I was so surprised that a lot of  My Days replied to that tweet and even DM-ed saying they were willing to listen. I was really touched. And since then, I knew that My Day fandom is the best fandoms I’ve ever been part of. My favorite moment with them is every concert time, most of my tl would audio stream and we would live tweet together. It was really fun. 

I wasn’t there with Day6 since the beginning of their journey. But I’m so proud of how far they’ve come and how our fandom just keeps on growing. They’re not yet as big as the popular groups now, but they’re doing well. We’ll get there, slowly but surely. Olympic Hall is just one of their many dreams that they will achieve. The’ll get more recognition and they will achieve more. Because that’s what they deserve. 

Anyway, this is so unorganized again. I still have a lot to say but I’m getting sleepy now and I’m not sure what exactly I’m talking about again lmaooooo. But I just want to say that I love Day6 so much. I’m so proud of them. I can’t wait for more people to discover the goodness of Day6 songs.

Keep Trying

Mom,  I’m so tired these days. I’m tired of school. I just wanna go home and play with with my little sister. I don’t want to think of anything else. It’s past 2 am but here I am, crying as I am writing this. I’m so frustrated. I haven’t even officially started on my thesis but it’s exhausting me already. I just finished trying to look for new thesis topics since the first one would most likely be scratched. I’m trying, mom. But it’s so hard. Things are still not going well even when I’m giving my best. It’s late in the evening so I couldn’t call or message you. I don’t wanna disturb you because I know you’ve been tired from taking care of my sister for the whole day. I don’t wanna add to your stress. I didn’t expect 3rd year will be this tiring. But I’ll try harder, mom. I’ll do my best. This will pass. I will feel better again. And I’ll overcome this as I always do.

3 am

Heyyy. Idk what this post will be about tbh. It’s just probably your typical 3 am thoughts (although it’s actually half past 3 already). I’m just not sure what’s wrong with me these days. I felt happy and motivated in the past weeks but these days, something feels wrong. I’ve been feeling down for no reason. Or is it because I’m being kinda sensitive and overworrying and overthinking a lot of things? I’m not sure too. Even this post is pointless. Irdk. I just want to let things out, I wanna take some weight off my chest although I’m not sure what exactly they are. I’ve been feeling so tired today too even when I didn’t really do much. This reminds me why I feel scared of extreme emotions. I always believed that I shouldn’t feel too happy because it means I would feel the exact opposite after some time. But isn’t that what life is? You have good days; yu have bad days. Everything is just a cycle. You can’t always be happy. You’re not always on top of the world. There are days when you would feel low, but that’s okay. It’s normal to have those sad days. What’s important is that you will find your way back to your spring, when flower would bloom inside you, and the youthfulness inside you would reflect in your mood. Perhaps we all have seasons inside us. Maybe it’s winter inside me. It’s cold and I just wanna wrap myself with some warmth and be alone.

I love spending time with the people I love but at the end of the day, I want to have my time alone. I would always feel guilty for not being able to catch up with friends in GCs. Most of the time I tend to forget because I rarely open facebook and when I use my laptop, I don’t check my phone at all. Even to my high school friends, I almost don’t talk to them anymore just because I’m too lazy to chat and keep conversations going. I stil consider myself awkward with replying too. I guess I can be really self-centeered sometimes. I only do things when it’s convenient and comfortable for me. Is that still considered self-care? That, I’m not sure of. But last sem was too toxic that I don’t want to compromise anything anymore. I don’t want to get too stressed and let things consume me, until I lose myself–my motivation, my passion. I don’t want to go back to that feeling anymore. I’m gaining myself back and I hope I would remain happy, despite the days like this when I feel down. 

It’s funny because this sort of journal entry is as random and as unorganized as it is. I’m not sure what exactly what I wanted to say for this entry. But it made me feel good for being able to put my thoughts and worries into words.  Hope you feel better soon, Shynne.

As always, you got this 🌸