#ILLUTION: Illusion of Emotion(s)

Emotions create the greatest illusion.

---

It’s been a day already but I’m still under the spell of Illution’s magic. I never expected that I’d say this but I’m so proud of being the head writer and one of the directors of Illution. I have a lot of things to say and I honestly don’t know where to begin. But I must say in the span of less than 3 weeks, the preparation for Tanghalang Tikom was such a ride. It really stirred my emotions as I went through highs and lows during the entire pre-production of the play. I’m very grateful for my blockmates’ trust in me to be the head writer of our entry for Tanghalang Tikom which was our finals requirement in our theater class. 

The concept I pitched together with my writing team is about circus/magic. But the class didn’t like the idea. Eventually we focused on the concept of magic. The class still didn’t seem happy with it. It seemed that only a few of us believed in the concept. Even though not the whole class was in favor with the concept, we still pushed for it. We revised the whole story with the help of my co-directors. I’m not sure if it’s all in my head but I could feel that some of my blockmates thought that the concept was too impossible and the story was too simple. During that time I felt so small, especially after our technical dress rehearsal. No one seemed happy with what they’ve seen. Everything was very lacking that time. And because of that I felt that everything was my fault—it was my fault that that’s only the concept I could think of, that’s only how far the story can go. I was honestly confident with the concept at first even if most of the class was against it. But because I could see the disappointment in everyone’s faces that time, or maybe that was the illsuion my emotions create in my head. Idk. But in a short span of time, the execution improved a lot. With that, my confidence with our play sparked again. 

On May 18, day of the play, the first and second run weren’t smooth and there were still a lot of things to improve and work on. I was already losing hope that time. But then the 5pm run happened. AND. IT. WAS. SPECTACULAR. I was moved and I was in awe. The audience, especially our professor who also watched during that time slot seemed impressed just like how we were. For the 7pm run, I delivered a short speech before the actual show. I almost teared up that moment. I was so proud of everyone. Standing on that stage and telling my blockmates how despite everything we went through that at some point we all felt like giving up—we managed to survive; everything was worth it. 

I’m very proud of my blockmates (Emporia Prodcutions). I’ve seen how dedicated and passionate they are in what they do. As most people say, our concept was ambitious. Not only that the concept was about magic but the theme from production design to costume and make up was also avant-garde, but we pulled it off. Being the bida-bida block that we are, we want to bring nothing but a good show for the audiences. And I’m still so amazed with how much effort were poured just to make that play that everyone deemed impossible, possible. Who would’ve thought that the ambitous concept of a magic show for a Tanghalang Tikom play would be possible??? 

I personally went through so much because of this play. I’ve lost faith in myself and I was on my lowest for quite some time. But after I’ve seen how successful Illution is, especially with the good comments and reviews here and there, I’ve gained trust in myself again. If there’s one thing I learned from all of this, it is this:

Even if things seem too impossible, continue to believe even if there’s only a tiny bit of possibility. Even if everyone is against it but you believe in it, keep pushing for it. Because you never know, it might bring magic that no one saw coming. 

Tanghalam Tikom is indeed one for the books. And with this, Illution… is signing off ✨

(@Taygs_ | Twitter)

(@dnslmnln | Twitter)

I’ve never felt so worthless. I just want this semester to be over already.

Believing the magic of #ILLUTION

The past weeks has been really stressful for me. Our class is working on a silent play for Tanghalang Tikom. And apparently, I’m the head writer and one of the directors of our play. At first I’m just cool with it. But due to some circumstances, my faith in myself has been tested again. It kept breaking its walls and then trying to rebuilt itself only for it to break again. It’s a never ending cycle of being confident in what I do and getting insecure with my mediocrity. Yesterday, we had a technical dress rehearsal. And I wasn’t satisfied with what I’ve seen. It still seems lacking. And being the insecure shit I am, I’m worried that the story is still very lacking despite all the revisions. I’m so used to writing for myself, just whatever floats my boat. I’m not used to writing what the public would favor. 

Our publicity and promotions team must be doing their job well because for some reason, our play is getting some hype. Some alumni are even interested to watch the play.  And I’m afraid that our play might not reach the expectations of some. What if it doesn’t deserve the hype it’s getting from some people? 

Every time I would give up on writing, I would just tell myself to not mind what the other blocks would come up with. I just want to tell a story. And I did. But then again, I’m worried the the story I want to tell might not be the people’s cup of tea, especially that I could see some of my classmates seem that they didn’t like the concept I came up with to begin with. I even cried after the TDR because I thought that what I’ve written is really mediocre. 

But my classmate, Daphne, was right. I took a risk with that concept. It was such a big risk that most of my classmates didn’t like the idea at first. But I still went for it. My co-directors helped me in improving the story. I remember one of the plays from the previous batch. Apparently, most people didn’t like that play. But I did. I loved the whole concept. And this is the reality. Not everyone might not like our play nor reach their expectations. But some might still love it and have faith in its potential, like I did with that play from the previous batch.

This time, despite all my self doubts and worries, I’ll try my best to have faith in the magic of #ILLUTION. It may not be the best out there, but some people still believe in it’s concept. And so should I. 

Best of luck to Emporia Productions and all the other productions joining this year’s Tanghalang Tikom!

Mediocre

Why do I still fail at the things I love doing and pour my heart into? I know I give my all, but why is it still not enough? Am I that mediocre? Will I ever be good enough? It’s tiring when at the times I believe in myself, I end up failing. I feel so worthless again. Please bring me back to January when I was still full of motivation and faith in myself.

To one of the greatest CA profs

Today, another loved one passed away. No, she isn’t a relative of mine. She was one of my CA professors—Asst. Prof. Aurora Tuble, or Ma’am Tuble/ Ma’am Tubs as we usually call her. She was my professor for Intro to Communication and Communication Theories. I remember she was one of the CA profs I anticipated to meet as an incoming CA freshie back then. I used to read a lot about her in those freshie tips. Since she was teaching theories, there are tons of readings to read for her class (that I still keep until this day). And we always have a difficult short quiz with every lesson. I remember I barely passed those. I’m not sure if I did great academically but I remember learning a lot in her class. Her class was tough at times but it was all worth it. I can’t imagine not having her as one of the professors to welcome me in Communication Arts. I remember her as that professor who teaches with plain ppts (I mean who cares about cute ppt designs right? Because same, ma’am, same). But despite that, she explains everything well. And she always relates it in real life. You will really learn a lot from her.

And I must say that her class was never boring for me. She always has side comments even while someone’s still reporting. And sometimes she would rant about the government. Other times she would be in the mood for some random jokes and hugots about life. She was funny. But you know what I love most about her? It’s her genuine care for her students. She was one of the few professors who really make effort to teach well and assure that her students are learning the foundations that they will need. Even during her weakest, she tried hard to attend class whenever she can for her students. And there’s this story I’ve read on Twitter overhearing ma’am Tuble saying that she wants her first year students to take their exam earlier so she can finally rest. Until those days, she’s thinking about her students. For CA and Journ students, she was like our mother, our mama Tubs.

When I think about her, I hear her voice, the way she speaks. She usually sounds sarcastic but that’s just the way she speaks. My last memory of her that I remember the most was during consultation for our thesis. I probably couldn’t sit still, so she asked me if I was feeling cold. She even handed me the remote of the AC so I can lower the temperature. But I told her I was actually nervous. She laughed. It was a simple gesture, but in those moments, her being caring shined. She has a big heart. She surely has generations of students who will remember her as one of the greatest professor who showed genuine love for imparting knowledge and care for her students.

I’ve seen how she looked when she got sick, but I will always remember the ma’am Tuble back in first year. I loved her smile. And that’s the image of her that I will always keep in my heart.

It’s sad that you are gone now, ma’am. But I happy that you are now free from pain. The learnings and the good memories will always be remembered.

May you rest in the heavens, ma’am Tuble. I love you and I will miss you.

---

 

Memories that shall not wither

Hey. It’s been a while again. I’ve been so busy the past weeks that’s why I couldn’t find time to write anything. It’s been tough but I survived it, like I always do. Those weeks of tons of academic requirements to accomplish seemed endless, but they always pass. And now I’m finally back home with my family, my mind taking a break from all the stress and pressure in school. My heart was really happy. I woke up to the nice view of the lake near my house. Then my little sister came to room. She was in a good mood as well. Soon, I found myself being chased by my little sister and my parents to my room to tickle me. It was a morning full of laughter. It was like a scene from a TV commercial; too good to be true for me. I was so happy that I got so scared. I always had this nagging voice at the back of my mind to not feel extreme emotions. Because I knew that once I reached the peak of a moment of happiness, I was bound to feel the exact opposite soon. 

And it did came the same morning–the sad news. I can’t help my tears as I am writing this. I still can’t believe it. I have this relative whose name is Ate Lanie. She was one of the kindest people I’ve met. I was rarely comfortable with other relatives but she’s an exception. She had this warm vibe that lets you easily get comfortable with her. I grew up really familiar and comfortable with her. Now that I’m trying to recall all our interactions since I was young, I realized that I barely remember most of it. But I remember how every time we would see each other, she would ask, how I was. And I always felt that it was genuine. And there’s this one memory with her that left a mark on me. It was back in highschool, Christmas season. her family was somehow struggling financially. But they probably had some extra money that time, that’s why she gave me and my lola a small present. It wasn’t anything much. Just a small display–a small globe that lights up with a fake rose inside. She could’ve just saved it but she instead thought of buying us small presents. She was so generous. And she was always there to take care of people. I remember when I would get sick when I was a kid, she would be there to help my lola take care of me. She’s used to the hospitals because her sons would frequently get sick too when they were kids. And I must say that she’s smart. She has easily familiarized herself with some medical terms because of always going to the hospital. If only she had the chance to study, I think she’ll do well in the sciences. I hope in her next life, she’ll finally experience a comfortable life she deserves. She’s too good and too selfless for this world.

I will never forget her smile and her unique laughter. Until now it pains me and I can’t believe that she has left this world now. I will probably not be used to going to Naga and not having an Ate Lanie to expect to see or to talk to. My tears still won’t stop. Fuck cancer. Especially that fucking lung cancer that took both Ate Lanie and Lolo Pogi. I know I can’t do anything but I can only pray that their souls are now free of any pain. I pray that their souls are now in a good place. I hope they are with God.

Just like the fake rose in that small gift Ate Lanie gave me, her memories will not wither in my heart. I will always remember the good and loving person that she was. 

 

May you rest in peace, Ate Lanie. I will miss you.

“The Best Moments”

Every Day6 era has officially ended yesterday. It’s already been more than 6 hours since the Encore Concert ended, but until now I can’t stop thinking about it. Being the int’l My Day that I am, I just audio streamed. But I felt like I was there too, that until now, at almost 3 am, I can’t get over it. I’m really thankful for deciding to stan Day6. My irls couldn’t and probably will never understand why I love them so much. But since stanning Day6, I really became happier. I always had something to look forward to, even when things were getting tough for me in school. Day6’s songs always accompanied me in my all-nighters. And the boys always keep me motivated with their words. Cheesy, but they know how to comfort me even when they don’t know me personally. Their music just heals me. Their songs are my blanket of comfort when I feel down. And listening to their songs to start my day automatically puts me in a good mood. They helped me get through  my toxic 3rd year 1st semester–with just their music. I’ve been listening to their songs every single day since July until now, and I still don’t get sick of them. It’s that good.

I’m also really thankful for my fellow My Days. When I was on my lowest last sem, My Days were there for me. There was a time when I asked if anyone was willing to talk to me. I couldn’t talk about my problem to my irls then because I thought I’d feel more comfortable to open up to people who don’t know me personally. But then I was so surprised that a lot of  My Days replied to that tweet and even DM-ed saying they were willing to listen. I was really touched. And since then, I knew that My Day fandom is the best fandoms I’ve ever been part of. My favorite moment with them is every concert time, most of my tl would audio stream and we would live tweet together. It was really fun. 

I wasn’t there with Day6 since the beginning of their journey. But I’m so proud of how far they’ve come and how our fandom just keeps on growing. They’re not yet as big as the popular groups now, but they’re doing well. We’ll get there, slowly but surely. Olympic Hall is just one of their many dreams that they will achieve. The’ll get more recognition and they will achieve more. Because that’s what they deserve. 

Anyway, this is so unorganized again. I still have a lot to say but I’m getting sleepy now and I’m not sure what exactly I’m talking about again lmaooooo. But I just want to say that I love Day6 so much. I’m so proud of them. I can’t wait for more people to discover the goodness of Day6 songs.

Keep Trying

Mom,  I’m so tired these days. I’m tired of school. I just wanna go home and play with with my little sister. I don’t want to think of anything else. It’s past 2 am but here I am, crying as I am writing this. I’m so frustrated. I haven’t even officially started on my thesis but it’s exhausting me already. I just finished trying to look for new thesis topics since the first one would most likely be scratched. I’m trying, mom. But it’s so hard. Things are still not going well even when I’m giving my best. It’s late in the evening so I couldn’t call or message you. I don’t wanna disturb you because I know you’ve been tired from taking care of my sister for the whole day. I don’t wanna add to your stress. I didn’t expect 3rd year will be this tiring. But I’ll try harder, mom. I’ll do my best. This will pass. I will feel better again. And I’ll overcome this as I always do.

3 am

Heyyy. Idk what this post will be about tbh. It’s just probably your typical 3 am thoughts (although it’s actually half past 3 already). I’m just not sure what’s wrong with me these days. I felt happy and motivated in the past weeks but these days, something feels wrong. I’ve been feeling down for no reason. Or is it because I’m being kinda sensitive and overworrying and overthinking a lot of things? I’m not sure too. Even this post is pointless. Irdk. I just want to let things out, I wanna take some weight off my chest although I’m not sure what exactly they are. I’ve been feeling so tired today too even when I didn’t really do much. This reminds me why I feel scared of extreme emotions. I always believed that I shouldn’t feel too happy because it means I would feel the exact opposite after some time. But isn’t that what life is? You have good days; yu have bad days. Everything is just a cycle. You can’t always be happy. You’re not always on top of the world. There are days when you would feel low, but that’s okay. It’s normal to have those sad days. What’s important is that you will find your way back to your spring, when flower would bloom inside you, and the youthfulness inside you would reflect in your mood. Perhaps we all have seasons inside us. Maybe it’s winter inside me. It’s cold and I just wanna wrap myself with some warmth and be alone.

I love spending time with the people I love but at the end of the day, I want to have my time alone. I would always feel guilty for not being able to catch up with friends in GCs. Most of the time I tend to forget because I rarely open facebook and when I use my laptop, I don’t check my phone at all. Even to my high school friends, I almost don’t talk to them anymore just because I’m too lazy to chat and keep conversations going. I stil consider myself awkward with replying too. I guess I can be really self-centeered sometimes. I only do things when it’s convenient and comfortable for me. Is that still considered self-care? That, I’m not sure of. But last sem was too toxic that I don’t want to compromise anything anymore. I don’t want to get too stressed and let things consume me, until I lose myself–my motivation, my passion. I don’t want to go back to that feeling anymore. I’m gaining myself back and I hope I would remain happy, despite the days like this when I feel down. 

It’s funny because this sort of journal entry is as random and as unorganized as it is. I’m not sure what exactly what I wanted to say for this entry. But it made me feel good for being able to put my thoughts and worries into words.  Hope you feel better soon, Shynne.

As always, you got this 🌸

Pagbabalik

Totoo yata ang nabasa ko na “kung gusto mong magsulat nang magsulat, magbasa ka nang magbasa.”  Nung nakaraang linggo lang ako nagsimulang magbasa ulit ng libro. Biglaan lang, halos di ko na napag-isipan. Basta kinuha ko na lang yung Norwegian Wood ni Haruki Murakami noong nasa bookstore ako. Napag-interesan ko ito dahil paborito siyang libro ng dalawa sa mga miyembro ng paborito kong banda. Hindi siya gaya ng mga nakasanayan kong YA books na binabasa ko noon. Mero maganda siya at madali kong naiimagine ang mga kinukwento niya. Isang araw, namalayan ko na lang na nagsusulat na pala ulit ako. Meron na ulit mga karakter na nag-uusap sa isip ko. Halos isang taon na ata nakalipas simula nung huli akong nagsulat. Wala namang espesyal. Pangkaraniwan lang ang kwento. Pero ito yung kwento na natural lang na may diyalogo ang mga karakter sa isip ko, hindi ko na kailangang pag-isipan nang maigi. Masaya ako. Ang tagal kong hinintay na makapagsulat ulit ng kwento. At ito yata ang unang kwento kong kilala ko ang bawat karakter. Alam ko ang personalidad nila. Dati kasi ay hirap ako sa aspetong ito. Pero ngayon ay masaya talaga ako sa sinisimulan kong kwento kasi simple lamang ito. Sana ay matapos ko ito, tutal ay alam ko na rin ang wakas (na dati’y hindi ko naman pinag-iisipan tuwing may sisimulan akong kwento).  Pakiramdam ko ay bumabalik ang sarili ko noong hayskul–yung masaya lang na nagsusulat ng kwento, di bale na kung pangkaraniwan, ang importante ay may naikukwento.